Urinating into a plastic bottle, I’ll accept. Accidentally spilling the urine all over yourself, I’ll accept, unfortunate though it may be. Removing your urine-soaked pants and underwear, I’ll accept. But urinating into a plastic bottle, accidentally spilling the urine all over yourself, removing your urine-soaked pants and underwear, and then cruising through the drive-thru line completely nude from the waist down while wearing penis jewelry? This is the sum of a bad, bad decision made by a fire captain in Plano, Texas.

The Daily Beast reports that the aforementioned fire captain was recently arrested and charged for exposing his genitals to a fast-food worker, resulting in the captain’s suspension and demotion. The Daily Beast acquired official documents from the City of Plano via a public records request, and the documents contained an oral history of the event. First, an account from the fire captain himself, taken from an email to a member of the Professional Standards Office of the Plano Police Department:

“On June 8, 2021, I decided to go to the grocery store to get groceries. After getting my groceries to my pick-up I realized that I needed to urinate. So instead of going back into the store I unwisely decided to pee in an empty water bottle. I ended up spilling the water bottle full of pee all over my shorts and seat. So I took off my shorts and underwear because they were soaked.”

This part is fine. Stupid, but fine. The man dumped urine on himself; the man removed his urine-soaked pants. Unfortunately, the pantsless man then decided to take a spin through a Chicken Express drive-thru. The following is an account from a drive-thru worker, who contacted police after the incident:

“I reached to grab his card so he could pay for his order and I turned around to cash him out and I gave him back his card and he had his penis out. He was alone, didn’t speak, just looked at me. I gave him his card and food and he drove off. I told my manager about what he did and he had like a gold penis ring on his penis.”

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A gold penis ring! The fire captain wore a gold penis ring! If you ask me, that’s not coincidence; that’s showmanship. The Daily Beast reports that the fire captain claimed he tried to cover himself with a towel, but I’m not buying it. The dude was charged with indecent exposure, arrested, and suspended from the police department. He was allowed to return to work after 90 days of unpaid leave, but he received a demotion of two ranks.

There are certainly many jokes to be made here. Jokes about supersizing your order; jokes about whether or not you want fries with that. I am too tired to make these jokes. I’ll just leave you with two things: first, don’t take your pants off at the drive-thru; second, penis jewelry is embarrassing. Okay, bye!