The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.

Posted September 27, 2022 | Reviewed by Abigail Fagan

We know in society that there are all types of taboos about sex. Depending upon our biological, environmental, cultural, religious, and sociopolitical view of our world, we may have learned to view sexuality and sexual orientation based upon how our family, peers, or community viewed sex or attraction.

I have found in my therapeutic work that at some point in our lives, perhaps along the continuum of our lived experience, human beings may question aspects of their sexuality, attractions, or desires as not being normal. Before we continue to expound upon this topic, let us first define what kink is within BDSM. The definition of kink, according to my clients, is any nonconventional sexual practice, fantasy, or desire, such as BDSM (bondage, discipline, domination and submission, and sadism, and masochism). When my clients present with desires that are along this spectrum of sexual expression, we explore how their sexual desires “bend” from the norm of more traditional sexual practices (of course, that depends on what you view as traditional).

It is important to note that monogamy and polyamory are not exclusive of each other. People in monogamous, open, or polyamory relationships can have healthy intimate relationships and sex with open and transparent dialogue with their partners primarily around triggers, power dynamics, and how to affirm safety/security in intimacy. It is also important to note that not everyone who engages in BDSM and kink needs to explore it or process it with a therapist. For example, I will explore aspects of intimacy in my clients’ relationships only if it is relevant to their therapeutic goals. Sex or the act of engaging in sex consistently is not always a precursor to being fulfilled or enhanced emotional well-being. I have honestly found some of the healthiest boundaries with clients in more nontraditional heteronormative relationships or intimate experiences, because communication is at the forefront of negotiating not only physical but emotional intimacy boundaries.

I have also come to see through my own journey of exploring intimacy and in working with my clients that creating a safe and affirming environment to be emotionally vulnerable in sex and to reaffirm our partner(s) needs is vital. For example, the aftercare routine of sexual intercourse—checking in to see how your partner is feeling after sex—can reaffirm that our partner or partners feel safe, protected, and validated within the agreed upon expectations of intimacy.

Power and control dynamics are nothing new when it comes to the discussion of intimacy and sex. I use the words separately in the context of this blog to refer to intimacy as building a deeper emotional, mental, and spiritual connection with a partner or partners and sex to describe the physical act.

Gender norms play a huge role in the power dynamics of intimacy. Human beings may at times prescribe our physical sexual needs within the norms of masculine, feminine, or gender-neutral constructs that may or may not align with our ideal sexual fantasy. I have the pleasure of working with clients as they journey through life in many stages of their development to discover sexuality or sensuality in new and, at times, scary ways. It is important to also normalize individuals who are asexual or non-sexual, because even though there may not be a physical manifestation of sex that is occurring outwardly, it does not mean that the person is not engaging in intimacy in other ways or thinking about or processing intimacy internally (more to come in a future post about normalizing asexual individuals). Life happens (e.g. finances, transitions, mental/physical health issues) and impact how we feel empowered to engage in intimacy with another. There is already enough shame, guilt, or fear about approaching a conversation about sex and intimacy that contributes enough to not wanting to be vulnerable about sex.

So, what can we do in our communication with our partner(s) to lessen the stigma around discussing these topics? Here are some things to consider to begin a conversation.

1. Disclosure. Even if most individuals don’t consider themselves to be kinky or desiring to engage in BDSM activity, many individuals do have kinky fantasies. For example, if one is to disclose their fetishes, there must be a sense of trust established between the individuals involved in this conversation. Oftentimes, my clients and I discuss the potential time frame and risks involved in “outing” themselves about their kink to explore how to reduce reactions of shame and guilt and how to be proactive if they are met with judgement or a negative response to their fantasies.

2. Consent, Consent, Consent. It is important to discuss with your partner(s) their desires and fantasies in depth to ensure that you understand any limitations around how and to what extent you can act out those fantasies. It is important that your partner is saying yes to the activity you are engaging in it (even if it is a hand signal, gesture, etc. ) that is developed as a mutual sign to know when to stop or continue.

3. Things Might Not Work Out. Realizing that our desires and fantasies will have to be potentially manifested with another human being, it is important to note that even with the best communication skills about kink and BDSM with your partner(s), they might not be into it. Talking about your expectations and fears about engaging in these fantasies can provide some structure and expand the sense of awareness on your partner’s end about their comfort level to explore these topics. Also, sometimes the fantasy, kink, or fetish that we have designed in our mind may not play out how we expected. Therefore, giving yourself some room for disappointment, doubt and even frustration is key to ensuring that you don’t set unrealistic expectations about the fulfillment of a fantasy.

Let’s continue to always keep an open mind about how societal systems might influence our openness to explore topics of conversation considered to be taboo.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

Neal Holmes LPC is an administrator, therapist in private practice,  motivational and keynote speaker, and mental health consultant.

Get the help you need from a counsellor near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today.

Psychology Today © 2022 Sussex Publishers, LLC

The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.